A letter for the latter

It is strange to search for memories for someone who is still alive. To grieve for someone who is not yet gone, but, in so many ways, you are gone, the person I knew is not there anymore. You were so Irritating at times, apologetic, dynamic, loving , caring, intelligent, beautiful , wonderful and so opinionated.

I miss your strong opinions on everything and anything.

You, who always had some wise words to say, and, sometimes not so wise, you, who knew how to express yourself through your words, art, actions, feelings. I want your advice and interest, but you cant remember. Now you move in a different world, a world where nothing makes sense, a world only you know. A world that is shrinking each time I see you. I catch you looking at me sometimes and I can see the confusion in your eyes, like you are trying to place me but you cant think where from. Even when I smile at you or speak to you when I see you staring at me you respond by just staring.

You have been taken from me and I have been taken from you. You seem unable to understand what I say to you, you cant take part anymore.

Its lonely and sad in this place.

You are still there, but, not quite present, it still upsets me that we used to end up with most of our conversations, shouting, disagreeing and being angry at each other, then the next morning apologizing, for words that were said in the heat of the moment, words only words that really meant nothing. I cant think of a single conversation that we had when you were still you and I was still me.

A feeling, a sound, a sensation, often brought on by our resemblances. The way we raised our voices. I never realized how similar we were until I recognized our facial expressions, our similarities, the way we imitated. I did not understand how you got them only to realize that you got them from me.

Where has that person gone, the one who would shout at me, care for me, loved me for me?

These days I am pretty sure you don't know who I am.

The love, the joy we felt at some time.

I know that you will never be able to play a part in my life anymore. It is painful to remember our last conversation. You had nothing to say, no questions to ask, and now its too late, you and I are not coming back to that place we called heart.

Did I ever tell you how much I love you, did I not say it often enough, did I say thank you? I don't think I said it enough, thank you for being you.